2025
In keeping with my annual tradition (2024, 2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
In January, I friend-broke-up with Amanda because she took Kye’s side in the divorce. I met a cool person named Alecia. I studied for and passed the AWS Solutions Architect – Associate exam, because all the job postings I was seeing wanted AWS skills. And I wrote a creepy, short (600-word) sci-fi/horror story inspired by Severance, called Pattern Interrupt.
In February, I did a bunch of job hunting and acquired some weird skin condition. It’s not contagious, but it makes me break out in itchy rashes that keep me up at night about 2-3 times a week. It makes my life significantly worse.
In March, I did a bunch of job hunting and worked on RhymeCrime a bunch to sharpen my Ruby skillz and flesh out my portfolio.
In April, I did a bunch of job hunting, dated a Franciscan friar, and wrote a short (900-word) sci-fi story inspired by The OA and Sword Art Online, called We’re Missing Something.
In May, I got a job at Later! Final job hunt statistics:
- 273 applications
- 7 first interviews
- 3 second interviews
- 2 third interviews
- 1 fourth interview
- 1 fifth interview
- 1 sixth interview
- 1 job
In June, Rope Club fizzled out.
In July, I asked Citadel to move out because I wanted Benedicta to move in. Also, I achieved a once-in-a-lifetime feat: I casually tossed an ice cube into the sink and it went “floop”… because it hit the rubber bit of the garbage disposal and no metal
In August, maddi came to visit for a few days. I saw a dermatologist about my itchy rash. She was worse than useless; she didn’t help but did misgender me.
In September, Kerri returned home from her summer of motorcycle adventures. I finally moved my website to paceheart.com. Pyre and Wren came to visit; we played Blue Prince and Abiotic Factor, and watched Kevin Can Fuck Himself.
In October, I had a mostly useless dermatologist followup. The itching continues. Kerri and I failed to go to Meow Wolf. I started dating Lulu/Moss, and Benedicta moved in!
In November, Citadel moved out, two of my friends/exes didn’t get married, and I saw a dog garage! I started playing Beat Saber again; I was ranked 6200nd and I set a goal of making it into the top 6000 by the end of the year. Last but not least, I edited and published a document about my and others’ experiences in Living Love Revolution, that Aphrodite Temple group I joined and escaped in 2023 after realizing the toxic, cult-like power dynamics and the narcissistic behavior patterns of the leader, Teri Ciacchi. Feathers were ruffled.
In December, Skyline came to visit and we learned that people with ADHD, if they’re not on stimulants, can smell ants. I achieved my Beat Saber goal!
Also, I finally started to worry about AI. Previously, my rebuttal was that AIs didn’t do anything, they just answered questions. Sure, they can manipulate people to some extent, but if the questions are coming from a human then there’s only so much manipulation that can occur. But with the rise of AI agents, now there are oodles of LLMs doing things with little to no human supervision and woefully insufficient safeguards. LLMs are black boxes; we don’t (and can’t!) understand why they do what they do. We’re basically summoning demons (daemons?) and naively hoping that our dinky little chalk circles will be enough to protect us. We desperately need something like Cyc.
My second-favorite video game was Clair Obscur: Expedition 33, and my fave was Blue Prince. My favorite visual media was Pantheon, Dispatches From Elsewhere, and The Orville.
My word for the year was “nourish”: caring for both my present self and my future self. In particular, I had 3 areas I intended to nourish in 2025:
- work
- adulting
- making my love+sex life even better
I rocked 2.5 out of 3 of those.
1. I started 2025 unemployed, and there were days when I felt hopeless and couldn’t motivate myself to do anything. But then there were other days when I searched for jobs, asked for help, and figured out what to do differently. It’s been 25 years since I job hunted, and I did it! I’m getting better at remembering that the hopelessness is temporary.
2. I did a good job of adulting! (and I intend to do even better next year)
3. Fuck yeah
4. I fought two good fights against narcissists and their splash damage: Teri and a friend of a friend who picked up some tricks from their narcissistic parent. That wasn’t even on the list!
I seriously considered making my 2026 word of the year “dermatology” because omg I have got to fix this constant itching oh please make it stop
But no – my word of the year for 2026 is dashboard. Someone once compared life with ADHD to riding a bike down a really steep hill. In 2026, I’m going to create a pit stop for that bike. I’ll pull all my to-do and could-do items into one dashboard, and then create a system and a process to check it frequently. This is going to help me feel (and be!) on top of my life instead of constantly behind and free falling. I might even end up with a system that’ll be useful to others, too!
2024
In keeping with my annual tradition (2023, 2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite games of the year were:
- In Stars and Time (heartrending time loop)
- Abiotic Factor (the creepiest game I’ve ever played)
- Ultros (psychedelic gardening network admin time loop metroidvania)
- OneShot (meta)
- Noita (secrets within secrets)
By far my favorite visual media of the year was I Saw The TV Glow. I also enjoyed She-Ra, Kevin Can Fuck Himself, Scavengers Reign, and It Follows.
I achieved my Beat Saber goal for the year; I’m now in the top 7000 worldwide!
In February, I went to TX to visit Lyra (my kid), and had a game night with their whole polycule.
In March, I took an online intro to quantum physics course. Here’s my first Feynman diagram (:
In April, Emma came to visit, and we traded Masterhearts.
In June, a squirrel got into the Love Shack wall and bit/clawed its way out through the drywall! I foamed the shit out of all the places critters could possibly get in, and the Love Shack has since been squirrel-free.
In July, I almost got arrested trying to meet up with Kerri while she was doing a motorcycle scavenger hunt. Later, we went on a 4-day romantic getaway to a cabin at the foot of the Cascades (with a hot tub!) and it was absolutely lovely.
In August, I went to Disneyland with Kerri, had an awesome time, and got Covid. I quarantined at her place (she was out of town) to avoid infecting Citadel.
In September, I started looking for a new job. I had planned to go to Florida to see BEAT with Snowcrash and my brother, but it fell through at the last minute.
In October, my new doctor put me on ozempic, which caused some of the worst pain I’ve ever had in my life. I figured out I could avoid it by only drinking 20oz of powerade and eating 1 stack of saltines per day, so I did that for 11 days, and it sucked. It especially sucked that I missed out on Kerri’s 50th birthday extravaganza. I did an escape room for my birthday with Kerri and Kera and Meghan and Aspen, and I had a fabulous birthday party.
In November, I had my first colonoscopy (which I had been procrastinating for 3 years) and they didn’t find anything scary (yay) so I don’t have to do it again for 10 years (yay!)
In December, The divorce was finally finalized. Every divorce comes with a free name change; I am now Pace Muqita Heart. Muqita is my Sufi name, Arabic for “nourish”, and Heart is a variant of a family name. I got unstuck, and released my second album, Catfish Waterslide!
My goal for 2024 was to mindfully and intentionally add awesome people and things to my life, while continuing to say no to everything else. I did a good job of both. My word of the year was PRAMSECTA, and at the beginning of the year I had no earthly idea what that meant. Now… I still don’t, but I think that’s the point. 2024 was a year of limbo, of in between, of not knowing.
But now, my support network, my love life, and my sex life are good enough that I have energy to put toward other things. I intend to put it toward:
- work
- adulting
- making my love+sex life even better
My goal for 2025 is to get my life shit togetherer, in a way that’s balanced between my present self and my future self.
My word of the year for 2025 is NOURISH.
2023
In keeping with my annual tradition (2022, 2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite game of the year was Tunic. The Golden Path is the best puzzle in any game I’ve ever played, and I loved figuring out the language. I also loved Tears of the Kingdom, Chants of Sennaar, Stray, Fallow, Slay the Princess, Patch Quest, and Dave the Diver. My favorite visual media was Bodies, Kaleidoscope, and Fall of the House of Usher.
In January, Kye moved out for good.
In February, Citadel moved in. I attended Mountains and Rivers Temple. I had a money scare; I was a hot mess and it was okay. I unlocked my little. I built a space station for cats, got cuddles, and talked about how much I love cats for an hour.
In March, I attended Helena’s Wheel of Consent workshop in Vancouver. I realized how few things in my life I was actually wanting, and how much I was tolerating. I made a list of all 32 things in my life that I was tolerating, and started chipping away.
(Backstory: Teri Ciacchi created an organization named “Living Love Revolution” (LLR) which puts on events called Aphrodite Temples. I’ve mentioned them in previous months as well as late 2022.)
In April, Living Love Revolution put on an event that was for Aphrodite Temple Priestesses only, so it wasn’t an official Aphrodite Temple, it was a Priestess Retreat called “Syncretic Love Blossoms”. I attended, and Teri Ciacchi treated me in a way that I felt was disrespectful and which made me uncomfortable. I stated that I was no longer comfortable sharing space with Teri, after which Living Love Revolution bought me a train ticket home and I was asked to leave the Priestess Retreat.
I felt very upset, because I felt Teri was the one who had treated me poorly, and yet I was ejected instead of protected. It was then that I started noticing some patterns.
Officially, Living Love Revolution claims to be governed by a Board of Directors. In practice, I never witnessed or heard of a Board vote where Teri was outvoted. That raises my hackles, because I personally don’t trust any organization that’s basically led by a single person, especially when that’s not what the official power structure claims to be, because that structure makes it far too easy for abuse of that power to take place.
Officially, Living Love Revolution claims to be a trans-friendly organization. In practice, I witnessed Teri misgender Priestesses and participants so many times I lost count. As a transgender person, I felt unsafe and disrespected. Living Love Revolution has a history of transgender Priestexxes leaving the Priestess Body, one of the reasons being Teri acting in a way they considered transphobic.
Officially, Living Love Revolution claims to be a lot of things that did not line up with my firsthand experience. I’m afraid that vulnerable queerdos might believe the official story because there’s no easy way to pull back the curtain and see the true, often subtle power dynamics. If you have any questions or concerns, I’d be more than happy to share details of my experiences with you.
In May, I had lunch with Citadel’s mom. The first Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was phenomenally awesome.
In June, Rose turned 30 and gave us a concert for her birthday party! She became a portal of music and emotion; it was one of the best shows I’ve ever experienced. G & V hung out in the Love Shack.
In July, I went on a very gay vacay, at which I had a breakdown and also one of the best experiences of my filthy worthy perfect life. The second Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was just terrific.
In September, the third Wanton Wands of Wonder occurred and it was tremendous. I wrote the rough draft of Catfish Waterslide.
In October, Chelsea came to visit. I had a lovely birthday orgy and I got to flip the whiteboard with a dramatic flourish. I saw my first opera, Carmen, with Rose and Mischa. I broke up with everyone, and decided that before I started dating anyone new, I first needed to become someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
In November, I attended my first Tacoma Polyamory Social: 53 RSVPs, all strangers, at an unfamiliar location. Take that, social anxiety! And it paid off because I met a bunch of people and made at least one new friend. I finally became someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I stopped attending Wanton Wands of Wonder, and I started dating Stephanie.
In December, I graduated therapy! I escaped 3 escape rooms in one day and a mirror opened reeeeeaaaaaallllllyyyyyy slowly. I joined a new D&D campaign: Alchemist Hunters and/or Huntees. I had Yule morning donuts with Julie. I made an infographic and a map of my life. I had a lovely movie night with Kerri. Stephanie came to visit for a three-day Sapphic Smoochapalooza, and we ate 90% of Citadel’s brownies.
My word of the year for 2023 was harmonize, and my goal was to establish healthy, interdependent, equitable partnerships. I made a lot of progress toward this goal, but it wasn’t until the last few months, with the triple breakup and the self-marriage, that I really made room in my life for healthy, interdependent, equitable partnerships.
2023 turned out to be a year of figuring out what I want and need, then inexorably saying no to everything else.
My goal for 2024 is to mindfully and intentionally add awesome people and things to my life, while continuing to say no to everything else.
My word of the year for 2024 is PRAMSECTA. I don’t know why.
2022
In keeping with my annual tradition (2021, 2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year. It’s been a hell of a year.
My favorite visual media was Centaurworld, with honorable mentions to Mr. Robot, 1899, Archive 81, Arcane, United States of Tara, and Murderville.
My favorite game was, of course, Elden Ring, with thought-provoking honorable mentions to Hyperbolica, The Forgotten City, A Bewitching Revolution, and Sethian.
The most interesting fiction book I read was Battle of the Linguist Mages.
In January, I went on my first and last date with N.
In February, Lupeta moved to Tacoma and we started seeing each other every Monday. I got her a cute little pink collar with a bell on it and a leash. She was such a good kitty.
In March, Amanda and Kelly came to visit for Kyeli’s birthday.
In April, I had a parathyroidectomy. Now I’m Nearly Headless Pace (;
In May, Kyeli and I took a break. She went to Beacon, NY for six months. I met Citadel System: Katie, Sara, Esriel, Tirion, Emily, and Rusty. (although at this point most of the inner map was still uncharted) Jasmine came to stay with me for a few days, during which I had a date with Lupeta, during which Jasmine made herself scarce. Afterward, Jasmine was pleased to notice how wobbly my legs were, and it gave me a taste of poly bliss. My mom got cancer and I went to Atlanta to take care of her.
In June, I became girlfriends with Katie and Sara. Kyeli asked me to break up with Katie and I said no. I watched Mr. Robot and sent M. oodles of screenshots. Mom died. Also, I got the best massage of my entire life.
In July, M. came to visit for a long weekend, which included All-Paramours Game Night: M., Citadel, Jasmine, and Lupeta. J. asked me out. Lupeta low-key broke up with me.
In August, Kyeli and I started couples counseling.
In September, Esriel and I were at WinCo and these two cuties came up to us and said to me, “I love your hair!” We exchanged Discord info and fucked (: I had A Very Gay Getaway with Citadel. Comply.
In October, I was transported into a rainbow tunnel. For my birthday, four incredibly lovely humans came over for a game night followed by an orgy. I met Mischa and Rose. (Well, I had met Mischa several months ago, but we hadn’t gotten together in person.) Mischa invited me to Temple of Aphrodite and I signed the fuck up. Jasmine and I celebrated our 1-year anniversary. Esriel and I went on our first date.
In November, Kyeli came back to Tacoma and we tried to see if things could work out between the new Pace and the new Kyeli. A consent-related event occurred. I went to Temple of Aphrodite and it was life-changingly transformative. “Unlock my desire,” I pledged to Aphrodite, “and I will follow it/You to the ends of the earth.” Well, She gave me what I asked for, and to hold up my end of the deal, I ended my romantic relationship with Kyeli. I also broke up with Jasmine and de-escalated with J. I experienced 5meodmt and became the conscious universe, co-creating toroidal time, a golden wave of delight flowing through every feeling being, always available to tune into. It was fucking hilarious.
In December, I went to Mischa’s birthday party, and it was like a mini-Temple. I had to keep pinching myself to be sure that this is my actual life. I went hot tubbing with Rose and Citadel. I fell in love with Rose and Mischa. We watched Mischa play Portal and touched each other all day in uncountably many lovely ways. Fae pounded the shit out of me to the drum track of Playing God by Polyphia. Tirion solidified. I spent time with my extended polycule; we had lots of deepening experiences under lots of less-than-ideal circumstances.
Last year I wrote, “I’m sure the coming year will hold lots more poly excitement, and I’m sure I’ll learn more about what I want and what I need. What I need to keep in mind is to respect myself, to hold healthy boundaries, and to not settle. And that’s why my word of the year for 2022 is lemonade.” That turned out to be pretty fuckin’ prescient.
This year, I became a Priestess of Aphrodite.
This year, I finally got in touch with what I want, and took drastic action to bring my life into alignment with it.
This year, I acquired an any-time horde of adoring fans who all think I’m awesome and all want to fuck me six ways from Sunday. It is deeply satisfying to know that sex and adoration are abundant. Achievement unlocked!
Next up: healthy, interdependent, equitable partnership(s).
In the coming year, I will dive headfirst into the ocean of Aphrodisiacal love and lust, not to lose myself but to find myself. As I dive, I will take with me:
- lemonade
- interdependence
- a towel
2021
In keeping with my annual tradition (2020, 2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve(ish) I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video games of the year were Dyson Sphere Program, Inscryption, Journey to the Savage Planet, Children of Morta, and Anodyne 2, with Valheim taking the top spot.
My favorite shows of the year were Travelers, Manifest, Lupin, and The Umbrella Academy. (And, of course, Midsomer Murders, but that’s amazing every year.)
My favorite fiction books of the year were Project Hail Mary, Set My Heart to Five, and Rabbits, in that order. My favorite nonfiction book of the year was Polysecure.
I played Beat Saber all year long until December, when I started having technical issues. At the end of the year, I’m ranked 6500th and the hardest song I’ve passed is Hardware Store.
In January, we played a virtual escape room with Kelly and Amanda.
In February, I stopped playing League of Legends and I started playing piano.
In March, I played long-distance Zendo with Amanda and Emma. I joined a reading group for Marx’s Capital. And for Kyeli’s birthday we created a Star Trek virtual escape room, and our friends (Emma, Amanda, Kelly, and Heather) successfully escaped from it with many, many mangoes.
In April, I got diagnosed with sleep apnea and started sleeping with a CPAP machine. Kyeli and I got COVID vaccinated. I joined the Socialist Feminist group with Tacoma DSA. And Amanda and I started talking to each other every week.
In May, I organized a meatspace meetup in our neighborhood park for the Washington Queers discord, and we had our house completely repiped.
In June, Amanda came to visit. We had lots of poly conversations, which culminated in me starting to actively date. Emma came to visit, and Kyeli discovered that she’s grey-ace.
In July, I met W. and Jasmine, and we started talking a lot, flirting a lot, and becoming close. I joined Dru’s Runeterra campaign, the Fall of the Darkin. My character is Cherri (with a heart over the i), an obnoxiously cheerful yordle with an insatiable (but still cheerful) hunger underneath her skin. My Tacoma DSA reading group finished reading Capital. I had a date with R. and a date with A. and it was a one-off. Dru came to visit and we went on a family vacation to Valheim. We sailed out upon a Viking longship, which we built with our own hands and tools we forged ourselves. We sailed to the edge of the world. Kyeli said, “I think we should stop here”, but I advised, “Let’s just go out a teensy bit further so we can see what’s out there” whereupon the current took us, we fell off the waterfall at the edge of the world, and we all died. We became as gods to recover our items from our graves, which had also fallen off the edge of the world along with the wreckage of our longship.
In August, I released my first chiptune album, Sawblade Lizard Eye! I had a date with C., which was a one-off. I got stood up by C2 because he fell asleep watching The Lion King, then resilled with an emergency backup date with A2. I attended a La Resistencia rally to shut down the ICE detention center in Tacoma. I started dating D., P., and Jasmine. I befriended Bryanna.
In September, I became an HGO (Harassment and Grievance Officer) for Tacoma DSA. I decided to begin training to be a sex goddess. I had my second date with Jasmine, and my first (and only) date with W. Kyeli and I read Polysecure together and worked through a bunch of the exercises.
In October, Amanda came to visit and we had lots of poly conversations. Kyeli and I had a big fight and I took a leap of faith. I quarantined for a month so I could have a romantic week with Kyeli. We renovated our garage into a Love Shack! I took a self-defense class. On October 23rd, Jasmine and I explored downtown Tacoma and officially became girlfriends. Kyeli met Jasmine. On October 28th, I broke up with W. and it was heartbreaking.
In November, we had Jasmine over for game night, and we played Guillotine and Bohnanza. I started dating M. Kyeli and I got our COVID booster shots. We installed an external bathroom door so we can get from the Love Shack to the bathroom without going through the main area of the house. Kyeli and I went to Texas for her dad’s remembrance ceremony. Kyeli stayed in Texas, I came home and went on lots of dates with Jasmine and one with P.
In December, Jasmine and I explored Seattle and she stayed the night. Kyeli decided to come home early because of omicron. She set a deadline of her 47th birthday for turning her life around.
Throughout the first half of the year, we had monthly Flock masterhearts and social justice action hour. Throughout the whole year, I had virtual zikhr on Thursday nights.
This year, my word of the year was engage, and I did it. I started making friends, and then things really ramped up when I started dating. I make friends far more easily when I flirt. I’m sure the coming year will hold lots more poly excitement, and I’m sure I’ll learn more about what I want and what I need. What I need to keep in mind is to respect myself, to hold healthy boundaries, and to not settle. And that’s why my word of the year for 2022 is lemonade.
2020
In keeping with my annual tradition (2019, 2018 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My favorite video game of 2020 was, hands-down, Astroneer. Kyeli and I had a blast playing it together, and we co-created amazing stories! Runner-up: Satisfactory. Honorable mentions: Dangonronpa, Crypt of the NecroDancer, Cattails, Elsinore, and Monster Train.
I didn’t read any books that deserve a best-of-the-year accolade. Honorable mentions: A Memory Called Empire, and The Outside by Ada Hoffmann.
I learned more about ADHD, capitalism, philosophy, and sociology.
I played Beat Saber all year long, except for a couple of months where I was doing a bunch of ridiculous things to get my Oculus Rift to work properly. At the end of the year, I was ranked 8200th and the hardest song I had passed was Sandstorm on Expert+.
In January, we were still living in Austin for the winter. I talked with Johnny B. Truant about gender stuff. I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my left hip. And we started our Tacoma house hunt!
In February, Kelly came to visit and I started having weekly calls with Emma, and I finished Spiritual Limericks!
In March, Kyeli and I flew to Tacoma while Bastion freaked his shit in the cat carrier. We moved into an apartment to serve as a house-hunting home base. Kyeli’s birthday passed without fanfare, because COVID-19 happened and everything went to shit.
In April, my company went virtual and I helped everyone learn how to do their work remotely. I started seeing a new therapist, Ayako Aizawa, but we turned out to not be a good fit. We made an offer on the Mondo Condo, but it didn’t work out. I started quilting on Fridays.
In May, we started playing weekly Terraria with Dru. Kyeli was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I started working on Limerick Quest, the sequel to Limerick Heist.
In June, we downgraded our Prius to a Honda Fit to save money. I joined Kelly and Emma’s weekly social justice action hour, which I’m still doing.
In July, we celebrated JYule, since we didn’t do anything for Yule in 2019. I fixed my SIBO with a low-FODMAP diet, which I’m still pretty much doing. We found our new house and made an offer! I tried out a couple of EMDR therapists before finding Heather Spreadborough, who is awesome. I worked with her through the rest of the year. And I started participating in a virtual Sufi circle!
In August, we closed on our new house! But we didn’t move in yet because we wanted to finish the renovations first. SGDQ was virtual but still awesome. I attended my first (virtual) DSA meeting! We had a Flock virtual masterheart. But really, most of what we did in August was play Astroneer.
In September, I drew a diagram that explained everything. Tony, who was supposed to be our contractor for all our home renovations, bailed on us at the last minute. We looked for replacement contractors, but they were WAY out of our price range and we freaked our shit. Amanda saved the day by offering to fly up and do a bunch of handyfiddling! So we hired some specialists for painting, A/C, the patio enclosure, and renovating the hall bathroom, and waited for Amanda for the rest. Last but not least, I finished Limerick Quest and submitted it to IFComp! But really, most of what I did in September was play Satisfactory.
In October, I finally got my Washington driver’s license! I celebrated my 43rd birthday. We went on a birthday journey, during which Kyeli drew the diagram of everything on my body and took the best nude photo of me ever. Kelly and Emma and I started our project to help out Rewiring America. Finally, some of the work-related COVID-related shittiness came to an end.
In November, we waited with bated breath and intense anxiety for the election results, and were relieved and grateful when they finally became clear. We finally moved into our house! Amanda came up for 10 days and did all the handyfiddly things! We had the patio enclosure built. As usual, we failed to do anything special for our 15th anniversary. We discovered that our shower had a leak and needed to be totally redone, so we took out yet another loan and redid it.
In December, the IFComp results were announced – I was stunned and thrilled that Limerick Quest took 4th place! Kyeli and I talked about being poly and having a dog. We found someone to grow stuff in our back garden next spring. Kyeli’s dad died. And I took a long vacation, during which I worked on the house, wrote a song called Space Dolphin, co-created a surprise to be revealed on Kyeli’s upcoming birthday, played Among Us with family, and played lots of League.
In summary, 2020 sucked. It was, for the most part, a year of getting by instead of a year of growth. But despite that, we bought a house, moved in, and fixed oodles of things that needed to be fixed. Despite that, I made significant progress rewiring my anxiety. Despite that, I managed to deepen close friendships as well as my relationship with Kyeli. Despite that, I completely changed everything I eat, learned to cook in an Instant Pot, and kicked my incipient diabetes into remission.
I’m killing myself by degrees
trying to push and to squeeze.
Embrace and adjust
a new way of trust,
beginning – and ending! – with ease.
2018
In keeping with my annual tradition (2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
Best Media of 2018
- Best Youtubers of 2018: Natalie Wynn, Ian Danskin, Mark Brown. Natalie and Ian helped me feel like I’m not alone in my political views. Kyeli and I coined the term “creepy lemon” because we didn’t know anyone whose views were similar to ours. Watching Natalie and Ian’s videos gives me hope. *fistbump* And Mark is doing the same for game design! Not only are we learning a ton and enjoying the heck out of it, but he cares and is making the world a better place.
- Best Visual Media of 2018: Elementary
- Musical Artist of 2018: Demoscene Time Machine
- Best Game of 2018: La-Mulana 2
- Games that inspired me because I enjoyed them and could actually potentially create graphics of that caliber: Darkside Detective, The Last Door, Dream Quest, earlier versions of Dicey Dungeons, and maybe even Minit
- Games that inspired me because they could have been great if they had fixed some design oversights: Dr. Doyle and the Mystery of the Cloche Hat, Shalnor Legends: Sacred Lands
- Game that inspires me to create a metroidvania without combat: Super Win the Game
- Game that proved that a procedurally generated metroidvania is possible: A Robot Named Fight
- Game that I did not like, but I finished anyway, making me realize what I sucker I am for a surreal mystery: Earthworms
- Other notable games I enjoyed: Horizon: Zero Dawn, Dark Souls III, Snake Pass, Yoku’s Island Express, Recursed, Rumu,
- Also played: Hand of Fate 2, A Hat in Time, Rabi-Ribi
My word of the year for 2018 was engage.
In January, Zoloft borrowed my soul. For six weeks, not only did I believe the universe was a meaningless uncaring void, but I believed I’d always felt that way.
In February, my tiny but indomitable internal bird pecked me back awake, and Zoloft returned my soul, none the worse for wear. I made peace with my dissatisfaction.
In March, we lived in Vancouver, WA, as a trial run to see if we wanted to live there. The Couv is just across the river from Portland, and way more affordable. We learned a lot about what we want to optimize for in terms of location, comfort, and friendships. We spent Kyeli’s birthday weekend on the coast and saw whales!
In April, we rejiggered our budget to optimize for the common case, and as a result, bought our new car, Lilith. We had a weekend journey with Amanda. Kyeli relearned that she can’t take the heat in Austin, so we removed Austin from our list of candidate forever homes.
In May, I was diagnosed with ADHD, started taking Adderall, and it immediately solved 70% of all the problems in my life. Kyeli went to Beacon, NY for the summer, to hang out with Kelly’s new baby. I started playtesting Dicey Dungeons.
In June, I joined Kyeli in Beacon for the summer. Being apart for two weeks was nice, but three was too long. We saw Hamilton on Broadway with Dru and a shady, secretive fourth person!
In July, we celebrated Kelly’s 40th birthday by masterhearting with Emma and Christine! I began indie game development (thank you, Terry, for inspiring me!) and started working on Compass Rose – I created puzzle #1. The Great Utensil Shenanigan began. Kyeli had a stroke migraine with aura. In therapy, we discussed how I can support Kyeli when she fragments, and I took too big a stick.
In August, I participated in my first game jam: Ludum Dare 42! I teamed up with Brandon and Sarah, started learning Unity, and together, over a weekend, we created Overencumbered! I loved Unity so much I rewrote Compass Rose from scratch. We decided to move to Seattle instead of Portland/the Couv, because the weather is cooler, and we want to optimize for the long term.
In September, I participated in my second game jam: GMTK(jam)! I teamed up with Jake, Chloe, and Vilinder, and together we created Youhou 01 ~ Eternal Piracy, Breezeless Sea! I got frustrated with tilesets, and decided to scale down Compass Rose to just a puzzle game instead of a puzzlevania. Julica and I repaired our friendship. Kyeli took the stick back.
In October, we started saving for retirement. Kelan visited, and we talked about systemic racism. We moved back to Austin as planned. I explored new ways to manage increased work stress. A coworker asked me a personal question, I answered truthfully, and they used it against me in a professional capacity. I created Compass Rose puzzle #2 of 4.
In November, we started helping Dru out with tuition, under more precise conditions. We asked ourselves, “Why wait to get a kitten?” and we acquired Bastion Hawthorne Weatherwax Smith, Esq.! We stopped podcasting. We decided to research the cost of living in Seattle, and the weather in more detail. We confirmed that the weather was indeed significantly cooler, and learned that the cost of living was prohibitively high anywhere reasonably close to Seattle proper. So we’re going to try Tacoma instead. Tacoma has Seattle weather, but at Couv prices. It’s LGBT-friendly, and it’s big enough to have everything we need and almost everything we want. We’re optimistic – and this time, our optimism is founded on some actual research! Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary with a double-wide weekend of sporkfoon excellence.
In December, I created Compass Rose puzzle #3 of 4. Amanda dyed my hair pink near the roots and purple at the edges, and it’s my favorite hair color combo ever! I played Pump It Up, and remembered how much I love the game. Brandon and I discussed future gamedev collaboration possibilities. We celebrated Yule with Dru. He beat me at chess, he crushed me at Smash, we discussed politics like adults and he didn’t just demur. It was awesome. Kyeli and I celebrated our 13th anniversary once again with our Probably-Final Cruise. We picked out the past year’s patterns with our minds, held its hard-won truths in our hearts, and let its subtle music sing silently to our souls. We cast our hopes for the next year as a net made of plans into a sea made of dreams.
In summary:
My goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because the culture was not a good fit.
My goal for 2018 was to put down roots in Austin and engage with my life. It didn’t work, because Austin is too hot for Kyeli. But even though the roots didn’t take, I did engage with my life!
Adderall increased my capacity and lowered my daunt. It lightened my depression and smoothed my anxiety, making it easier to take initiative, easier to connect, and easier to get up off the couch and do small self-care things for myself and small sweet things for Kyeli.
Instead of just going along for the ride in NY, I initiated a new hobby – indie video game development – that has now become a big part of my life.
Instead of just deferring to Kyeli, I suggest we not wait to get a kitten, and once we got Bastion, I moved we commit to keeping him. <3
Instead of just sticking with the Seattle plan or reverting to the Couv plan, we kept researching and found a potential win/win in Tacoma.
In addition to engaging with my life, 2018 was also a year of self-love and healthy boundaries.
In therapy this year, I unburied the shame I had internalized about being trans, and began belatedly healing it with self-love and compassion.
In couples, we worked on how to have healthy boundaries when we each have very different needs and very different abilities. Equality based not on how many to-do items we can accomplish, but on how many souls we each have. Complementary.
In 2019, my goal is exactly the same as it was in 2017 and 2018 – to put down roots and engage with my life – except this time in Tacoma. Since my intention is the same and only the location is changing, I’m choosing the same word of the year – engage.
Inshallah, this time it’ll take. (:
2017
In keeping with my annual tradition (2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
My word of the year for 2017 was warm bread with butter on it.
In January, we went to a Sufi retreat, during which events transpired that caused Kyeli to distance herself from the path.
In February, my mom and brother came to visit. It was revealing, and great to reconnect with my brother whom I hadn’t seen for like 12 years.
In March, we went to Portland for Grandia Portlandia: Kyeli’s 40th birthday bash! It was spectacular.
In April, our beloved cat, Phineas Nix, died of lymphoma.
In May, we visited Kelly for her bachelorette party.
In June, Kelan visited and we talked about conformity, we merged our two podcasts into one, and we helped Kelly and Chris get married.
In July, we visited Austin, and my company made me an offer in exchange for spending 1/4 of my time in Austin. We said yes. Then I went to IEA and it was great except for the fact that Kyeli didn’t come.
In August, we decided to move, since our reasons for moving to Lansing were no longer valid.
In September, we sold our house and waited for banks to do bank things.
In October, Kelly and Amanda flew in to surprise me for my birthday! We moved out, and stayed in Minneapolis for a couple of weeks. We saw Caitlyn at the MIA and went to our first live comedy show.
In November, we moved to Austin and got settled in our new apartment. Kyeli visited her family for Thanksgiving and I opted out and watched OK GO videos instead.
In December, I had my first gyn exam in 13 years, we celebrated Yule with Dru, Kyeli and I went on a cruise to celebrate our 10th anniversary (two years late), I retired as a competitive DDR player, and Kelly stayed with us for a few days.
In summary, my goal for 2017 was to put down roots in Lansing and engage with my life. It didn’t work. How many of the above events actually took place in Lansing with people who live in Lansing? Only one – and it was bad. Lansing was a mistake born out of of desperation, and the culture wasn’t a good fit for us.
In 2018, my goal is exactly the same – to put down roots and engage with my life – except in Austin and the Pacific Northwest. Hopefully I’ll have better results. (:
2016
In keeping with my annual tradition (2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, 2008), this New Year’s Eve I’m reflecting on everything that’s happened this year.
In 2016, I didn’t play much DDR. My favorite single-player video game was The Witness, deeply moving and mystical. I didn’t read any non-fiction, and my favorite fiction books were the Fairyland series by Catherynne Valente.
My word of the year for 2016 was easy mode.
In November 2015, we met Amanda’s Erik, we had a MasterHeart with Kelly and Chris that helped me plan how to recover from burnout, and I started working at my old day job again.
In December 2015, we visited Dru in Texas and stayed in a hotel.
In January, I pivoted my business so that I can focus on podcasting and coaching, and I stopped doing most of the other stuff I used to do.
In February, we had a magickal mystical experience at ClaraCon 1, and Kyeli took hand as a Sufi!
In March, Amanda came up to visit for Kyeli’s birthday adventure, during which we stayed at the Stone Church.
In April, we had a MasterHeart with Kelly and Chris which helped me deal with my identity and ego issues that arose as I scaled back my achievement. I attended a Sufi retreat at The Abode of the Message. We were propositioned by friends (we politely declined), and Kyeli started physical therapy.
In May, Kyeli went to Dallas by herself, her first solo trip since the accident, and brought Dru home with her for a visit. We decided to move to Lansing.
In June, Kyeli started driving. I tried fasting for Ramadan but I couldn’t work because my brain spaced out, so I gave up. We took an experimental roadtrip to Maine to see if Kyeli could handle the upcoming drive to Lansing.
In July, we celebrated Kelly’s birthday with a Spiritual Superfriends gathering! We became birds of a feather and got tattoos. I attended the IEA conference in Minneapolis and met the Sufi community there. We drove to Lansing for a house-hunting scouting mission. We almost bought the house on Kalamazoo but it turned out be a lemon, and we dodged that bullet.
In August, Kyeli almost entirely stopped needing the wheelchair. Physical therapy FTW, Alhamdullilah! We had Waywardpalooza, our farewell time with Kelly and Chris and our other Beacon friends.
In September, we moved out of Kelly’s house in Beacon, NY, and moved to Lansing, Michigan. After various moving shenanigans, we found the house on Catherine Street and made an offer.
In October, Kyeli took me on a surprise birthday adventure all across Lansing and beyond!
In November, we closed on our new house, Dreamhold at Rooted Keep, and moved in! We visited Beacon for Thanksgiving, Pie Day, and a MasterHeart from which my biggest takeaway was “Stop, don’t pause.”
In December, Dru came to visit for a week, and we spent Christmas Day with Julica and her family. We closed the year with a New Year’s Eve MasterHeart focused on having a more wholehearted 2017 by getting out of our comfort zones.
In summary, 2016 was a year of deepening my friendship with Kelly, and it was a year of healing and recovery from the burnout I suffered from due to pushing too hard on my business for the previous five years. It was definitely restful and healing, but I think I overshot the mark – I think I took too many steps back away from burnout, and ended up disconnected, from both my friends and from my passion. I threw the passion baby out with the ambition bathwater.
Dearest 2017, I choose to share warm bread and butter with you. Empowered but not overconfident, optimistic but grounded, I choose to engage with you.